And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
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Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
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Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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