I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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