It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
