he wants to bone in the snuggie
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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