I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
