just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhhâ€
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