Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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