i think i have two assholes
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
