Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
