proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
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i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
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