why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
