Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
