idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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