I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
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Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
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Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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