I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Randomize
