I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
