Already got asked if we're dating
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
