i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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