Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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