Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
FUCK WHALES
Randomize
