Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
