Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
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you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
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i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
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