My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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