Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
