I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
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