im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs