First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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