A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
