Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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