Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Randomize
