a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
