You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
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Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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