weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
The best revenge is premature balding
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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