Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Of course I have a pirate flag
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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