wakey wakey hands off snakey
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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