my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize
