we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
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We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
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Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.