I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
