The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Randomize
