i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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