do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
