your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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