just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
