I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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