return my video game
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
