i drank out of a bidet.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
