Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
