I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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