When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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