We should be called the Road Head Warriors
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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