Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Randomize
