Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
