I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
