Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
