I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
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he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
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My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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