This dress was meant to end up on your floor
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
