nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
