Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
